The Problems With Updating Attractions

For anyone who has visited the Walt Disney Parks in the past few decades, you notice when something changes.  How could you not?  One day you're enjoying Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, and the next time you visit, some sort of Winnie The Pooh attraction has taken its place.  For the most part, once a ride closes, it's gone for good.  Horizons, World Of Motion, Kitchen Kabaret, Symbiosis, The Living Seas, Body Wars, Cranium Command, Magic Journeys, CommuniCore, The Plaza Swan Boats...

Remember those?

I'm not done yet: Flight To The Moon, Mission To Mars, Delta Dreamflight, If You Had Wings, America The Beautiful, Magic Carpet 'Round The World, Skyway To Fantasyland, The TimeKeeper, American Journeys, Snow White's Scary Adventures, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, Mickey Mouse Revue, Mike Fink Keelboats, Davy Crockett's Canoe Boats, and some other attractions from the Disney-MGM Studios... These are the attractions that were taken down and completely re-purposed for the intent of making a new attraction, not a refurb like Journey Into Imagination (where the characters remain but the ride has changed).

And it needs to be changed back.

When Disney ins't demolishing rides to put in some iteration of a Pixar character, they'll simply update the ride, usually with a Pixar character.  Or a semi-relevant comedian.  It is the updates that are the most irritating.  Although there is no sadder sight that the demolishing of a ride, like a volcano, it could leave nutrient-rich material in its wake, resulting in a major transformation of the land.  Of course that metaphor does not apply here because any new attraction Disney has made after demolishing a previous one is usually terrible, with a few exceptions, perhaps.

This was clearly superior than If You Had Wings.

The most heartbreaking thing is the refurbishment of a ride.  I'm not talking about going back and retouching up the animatronics or updating the sound system or whatnot, but rather the change of the feel of the ride by adding some frivolous new effect or, in Spaceship Earth's case, removing effects.

I miss the projected loop of the chariot.

I can concede that some updates make sense, to an extent.  The creation of new computer languages and user-friendly interfaces greatly ties in with the theme of the attraction, and is part of our shared history of communication.

With a Jobs-Wozniak hybrid.

And then there is this monstrosity, which provides more of a cheap, kitschy laugh rather than actually having relevance to the ride as a whole.

Silliest shit I've ever seen.

The addition of sections of rides doesn't mesh well, as you are working with two different eras.  The rides being built in 1981-1982 reflect the style and craftsmanship of that era.  Adding on this "computer era" section is jarring, as it looks too clean and sanitized.  Disney has a track record for making rides look, well, well-ridden.  They purposefully do that, as you might recall hearing it from probably every single cast member who drops that little obvious tidbit on you.

"Did you know that WED stands for Disney's initials?"

Some refurbs simply just replace a previous film, or reuse and re-edit the original film to make it more relevant.  Surprisingly Impressions De France and Spirit Of Norway have remained unchanged since its debut in 1982 and 1988, respectively, but you take a film like O Canada! and Wonders Of China, and you have an attraction that means well, but does not feel right.  Mainly because when you're working with CircleVision, it is hard to match the visual look of its predecessor.  Film stocks have improved over times, film techniques have been refined, so when they add in little screens of footage in the ride, it often does not match how it looked in 1982.  How could it?

I don't want to reflect on China, I want to wonder about China!

The newly inserted footage looks like it was shot on a Hi-8 camera.  It's awful, and it is shocking because Disney prides themselves on breaking new boundaries in the art of film.  They essentially dominated the large-format film production at the time with Magic Journeys and CircleVision and shooting pretty much everything in 70mm, but not no more.  And it's not too long until Maelstrom gets a face-lift to accommodate the many characters from Frozen.  We all know it's coming, and unless the Norwegian government says otherwise (I hope they do) Disney will most likely milk that cow until the end of time.  Picture it now, riding in a boat with "Let It Go" on a constant loop as you ride backwards (after Elsa casts a spell or some stupid shit).  Someone has already thought it up already.

For the love God please do not get rid of this amazing mural.

Updating rides to cash in on Disney popular culture is inherently a bad idea.  It looks cheap, and tacky.  We all saw it in action with The Seas with Nemo.  And while we can't have our favorite rides be resurrected (and we all wish it were so), a new concept needs to be implemented.  EPCOT Center began as a showcase of new ideas and technologies, and cultures from around the world.  We have seen it devolve into cheap tie-ins and an excuse to get obliterated on alcohol and junk food.  As we long for a return for the original, it is not totally abhorrent to consider updating the attractions once more.  Since they have all bottomed out and become totally awful, there is no place to go but up (I hope).  So now, I present a logical update to the current rides at EPCOT, and how they could be changed into something new and better, without completely changing the ride design (because we all know they are not gonna knock down another building and start from the ground up, or would they?) but keeping with the theme of EPCOT, as being a permanent world's fair showcasing the new ideas and industries of America.

SPACESHIP EARTH

If they could, find a replacement for Judi Dench.  It's too peppy; she reads like she's reading Mother Goose to a group of infants.  I like my Spaceship Earth narrations with a very serious tone.  Jeremy Irons did this perfectly.  Alan Rickman can match that.  So can Patrick Stewart or Ian McKellan.

It's a stretch, but he can make it work.

Essentially, a deep,  powerful British voice.  And omit the bastardized version of what Horizons already nailed nearly three decades ago, the choose your own future.  I get it, it's fun and interactive, and you get a cheap laugh at the end.  Instead, give us the closing narration, wrapping up the themes of Spaceship Earth and what the future holds.  Maybe throw in an uplifting song.

INNOVENTIONS

This is an area I couldn't care less about.  I guess just have exhibits that are pertinent to current events, maybe a tie-in with other attractions that touch on topics relevant to us, not just video games or things designed for toddlers.

Dump your hyperactive kids here.

ELLEN'S ENERGY ADVENTURE

If there ever was a need to update an attraction, this one is it.  It is the only ride in Future World that has not been changed since the 90s.  Everything else has gone through a refurb fairly recently, at least in the past 15 years.  Now there was this weird anomaly when Ellen came back in the celebrity spotlight in recent years, so it seems that they're gonna hold onto her for a hot minute.  I remember an Ellen-less time between the Ellen Show on ABC in the 90s and the Ellen talk show on whatever network that airs on.  At one time she was irrelevant, and that would have been a good time to change the ride.  Now as much as I love Bill Nye, he seems to have retired his "Science Guy" persona.  And while we all loved his show on PBS, it is time to breath some life into this attraction.  And this is the man to do it:

The ultimate badass.

Neil deGrasse Tyson has already become this sort of unlikely icon, and he's also brilliant as shit.  You can take out the comedic foils of Ellen DeGeneres and others, and put in a thought-provoking journey into the past, explore the present, and embrace the future of energy.  And his personality suits the ride perfectly.  He makes it entertaining through his amazing articulation and vast knowledge of this "Universe Of Energy."

MISSION: SPACE

This is a ride that you can't really change to much to.  You can add in some information about what it's like in space, like weightlessness and such, maybe omit the danger element of the asteroids that seemed to cluster only a few feet from each other around the orbit of Mars.  It could be more of a training mission than an actual mission, and teach you more about space travel, not just hit a button, fall asleep and have the computer do all the piloting for you.

TEST TRACK

Strangely enough, this ride doesn't need a lot of changing.  They included aspects of what companies look for when developing a car, but I guess they could include more information on efficiency and being more "green," I suppose.

JOURNEY INTO IMAGINATION WITH FIGMENT

It's hard to update this, because it really needs a major overhaul.  There is no saving grace to this ride.  No new innovations, nothing to make me want to ride it again.  But since the ride track layout seems to be fairly similar (similar in that it's an omni-mover), just omit Eric Idle, damn the rights issue and bring back Dreamfinder (whatever the rumor is now).  Since Billy Bartry has passed on, Dave Goelz will have to do.  Or just recycle his voice from the old ride, I don't know, just make it happen.  And make the ride about the wonders and limitlessness of ones imagination.

THE LAND

First off: get Soarin' out of there.  It has no business in there.  You're Soarin' over California, yet you're in Florida.  Why not make it Soarin' Over Florida?  Because that's a terrible idea.  This is what needs to happen: put Soarin' between the UK and Canada, where the Millennium Village used to be, and re-theme it for the World Showcase.  Have it be, Soarin' Around The World.  The cost of something like that wouldn't be as expensive as you think.  Just get the permits to fly to select spots around the world with your large format camera, and that's all there is to it.  Maybe reprogram the ride vehicles' hydraulics to correspond with the new film.

Secondly, The Circle Of Life with the Lion King is painfully outdated.  Talk about an attraction that hasn't been updated since the 90s.  The Lion King is not as relevant as we'd like it to be, so there should be a new film discussing man's impact on nature, in the vein of Symbiosis, but can tackle things like climate change and GMOs and other things that they weren't too worried about in 1982 and then in 1994.  There are so many pertinent things going on in this world regarding "The Land," you'd think they'd say more about it.  And don't have an animated character host it.  Have a real person, or at least a narrator.

Thirdly, Living With The Land needs more things.  More concepts.  Bring back the spinning drum or something.  Make us excited about new ways to grow crops, and not just growing them in the shape of a Disney character!

Hidden Mickeys also need to go.

Fourthly, bring back a nutritional musical revue.  NO song parodies.  At the very least I will tolerate song style parodies.

THE SEAS WITH NEMO

This is a no-brainer.  Take out Nemo.  Get us excited about marine biology and oceanography.  There's a lot we don't know about our oceans.  Let's explore that!  Do whatever repairs you need to, like fixing the tank, and put some more marine life in there.  It's depressing to see the fish and sharks.  I remember when they used to have divers play with dolphins.  It was well documented in a series of ABC shows that just happened to find themselves in Disney World.

And for the world showcase films... well, either re-film them in HD (we have the technology) or restore them to their original state.  It's funny, but when you watch Impressions De France or Wonders Of China, they don't look dated.  The people and the settings look the same as they did in 1982, oddly enough.

Disney News 1984 (Spring)

Future World: Lost And Abandoned

We've all seen it, we all share the same sense of grief and pain at the sight of it, and we all know the tragic loss of something we all hold dear to our hearts.  It is the death of a Disney World attraction.  No one wants to see an attraction demolished, as many of them are dear to our hearts, and mean so much to so many people from all over the world.

This being the notable exception.

As we tour EPCOT Center, we can see that very few of the attractions have remained untouched since their opening.  You can literally count them on your fingers: Impressions De France, Maelstrom, and that's about it.  Reflections Of China had a minor tweak, and O Canada had a major reworking of the show, and the less we can talk about the boat ride in Mexico, the better.  Although you can't blame them for changing it, since it was always a little weird in El Rio De Tiempo when it abruptly switched from projected dancing and worship rituals of the indigenous people of Mexico to a "It's A Small World" style happy celebration of life, equivalent of saying, "Yeah, nothing happened here."

Trying to erase the shitty past between the Mayans and the Spaniards

While buildings and pavilion facades haven't changed on the whole (most notably in the World Showcase), there has been many facelifts and new paint jobs and downright destruction of entire buildings.  Everything in Future World has been re-themed, re-done, and re-Disney-ized (a word that I tried to make up, but failed).  EPCOT Center was destined to become showcase of new ideas and technologies of the future, and then we slowly saw it degenerate into a big commercial tie-in for the Disney Channel and Walt Disney Pictures.

The future site of nothing.

That image is the all-too-familiar setting of what EPCOT has become: a giant, empty nothing.  The Image Works, Wonders Of Life, the Odyssey Restaurants, they are all abandoned attractions and pavilions and restaurants, respectively.  I remember a time when you could enter Communicore from the side, right behind the Centorium.  Now it's closed off, and when I peeked inside, nothing but Moue Gear overstock of Vinylmation dolls and other assorted garbage.

It's not pictured, but it's to the right.

There is something off about the amount of apathy the Disney Parks have about just having abandoned pavilions, and even more pavilions that abandoned but are still operating somehow...

Like this.

Any company would be the same, in that often times it can be cheaper to just abandon a ride or pavilion, as the cost of labor to operate the rides would be far too much than the ride is worth, or too expensive to have the ride refurbished.  A lot of it also comes down to the corporate sponsors, who probably want to abandon their child, as opposed to taking care of it if there is a problem.  I've heard the stories of "why" when it comes to pavilions being abandoned, or demolished.

Although this was unacceptable.

Wonders Of Life:
The talk of the town (and by town, I mean unsubstantiated rumor mill known as the Internet) is lighting up about the Wonders Of Life.  We've all seen the progress unfold before our eyes, and our eyes did not deceive us when we saw it happen.  The drop of MetLife as a sponsor in 2001 made us question the future of the pavilion, as Horizons showed us that without a sponsor, there is no obligation to anyone else, so Disney can do with it what they please.  2004 led to seasonal operation, but Carousel Of Progress has season operation, and it's still running whether or not there are people in the theater.  But the coup de grâce came in 2007 when the pavilion just shut down.  Then it was used for special events, private functions, and the Food & Wine Festival, and at that point, we knew it was gone for good.  In 2012 it was on schedule for a selective demolition, but nothing has been demolished.

I have yet to see any demolition take place.

By definition (an Internet based one at that) it would seem that this selective demolition would have them gutting the insides of the pavilion and re-purposing it for something entirely new.  What will become of it, no one knows until Disney holds a press conference.  The intriguing part of it all, of course, is the speculation of what will become of it when it's all said and done.  For the EPCOT obsessed, we would love it to be re-purposed as a showcase of the old EPCOT Center that we all know and love.  Props from fallen rides, recreations of old rides, projected films that are no longer, these are all the impractical things we wish would happen.  It seems more likely that it will become a themed attraction featuring some Disney character to appeal to the broad spectrum of tourists, and will undoubtedly have the best AC system in the world.  It could very well become an updated carnival type multi-exhibit pavilion a la Wonders Of Life, although it wouldn't make sense to re-do Wonders Of Life if they are demolishing it... but whatever the pavilion becomes, PLEASE do not let it become a giant character meet-and-greet.

The Odyssey Restaurant
This anomaly of an abandoned structure boggles even my mind.  Closed for 20 years, except for random private events and the like, it stands among the ruins of Future World.  I peeked inside it from the still accessible restrooms in 2012, and believe me when I say, there is NOTHING that is going to happen to this place.  Just more empty space for storage.

Just think how many WorldKey kiosks you could fit in here.

Back in 2000 I talked with a guest relations employee about the state of EPCOT Center, as it was a tumultuous time due to the constant changes and construction being done to all the rides.  We all knew that there were structural issues with Horizons, sinkholes and such, and she said the same thing about the Odyssey Restaurant.  30 years and it's still standing.  It doesn't look like it's sinking.  It's holding its own.  But what to do with it?  Eateries in EPCOT, especially Future World, are overshadowed by their World Showcase counterparts.  Why have hamburger when you can have steak?  Literally.  The Land makes sense to have food (despite its ever declining quality) and it would make sense to have a place to eat on the other side of Future World for those hungry guests, but what food?  The Electric Umbrella has the standard quick service fare, and since they took out the Sunshine Terrace Restaurant, there aren't that many places to eat in Future World.  And the Coral Reef Restaurant is in the most obscure place, I don't think anyone knows it still exists.

A sign that no one cares.

A neat idea (because speculation is more fun than doing actual research) is to make the Odyssey a table service restaurant and have a unique futuristic theme, as in create interesting dishes based on using new technology and innovation, and have it be New American cuisine.  Or just make it a healthy food quick service counter, as Pure And Simple is no more.

The Image Works.
One of the most controversial decisions made by Disney, the shutting down and total abandonment of the Image Works.  Once a thriving interactive playground where exhausted parents could let their kids run around unsupervised as you tried to gain a moment's respite, is now a dumping ground for old props and the decay of a once glorious legacy of imagination.  Rumor mills have been lighting up about what is to become of this interactive exhibit.  The name(s) of Phineas & Ferb have been mentioned.  Well that seemed to be the extent of the rumors, but it was a pretty big one.  Truth be told, no official reason has been given, and it just seems that Disney needs more space to store more things.

A glimpse into my broken soul.

Now without the sponsorship of Kodak, it can be hard to fully operate an attraction in the same way it did 30 years ago.  Money is the bottom line in all of this, and cutting corners is the American way.  And Disney is about as American as it gets.  Park attendance plays a factor, too, since no one is visiting these attractions, why keep them open?  Once again, labor and money.  Innoventions is where they want to keep the kids busy, and when you do a major overhaul of an attraction (possibly for consistency) you want to do away with the old style.  Another reason that may have some insight on these changes could be (once again, not grounded in any concrete fact) that Kodak owned the rights to Figment And Dreamfinder.  And while Figment is now fully Disney, I guess there was some legal issues with using the image and likeness of Dreamfinder.

Kodak owns his ass.

That idea seems like it is not grounded too well in truth, as the Dreamfinder has made several appearances at D23 expos and Disney & Marvel have printed a series of comics about the Dreamfinder and Figment, although maybe it was legally distinct enough for Kodak to do anything about, as they are in a weird financial situation, filing for bankruptcy and then sort of coming back to life.  Whatever the reason, the point is, whether you own the rights to these characters or not, to at least have the Image Works opened to the public, even if it has nothing in it.  It's not so much there needs to be something there, but that we are paying guests to the park, and to see things closed for no reason, upsets us.  More often than not, people need a stopping point in the park to rest and relax.  Image Works was prime real estate for that.  And it was peaceful (in certain areas).  And most of all, the glass pyramids provided for a calming, beautiful, serene setting.  And that's what we need after all the craziness and over stimulation of Test Track and Innoventions.

Discovery Island.
This place was a hassle to get to, there were never any cool animals to see, and you'd get decimated by the mosquitoes and gnats.  No thank you, keep this one abandoned.