The Problems With Updating Attractions

For anyone who has visited the Walt Disney Parks in the past few decades, you notice when something changes.  How could you not?  One day you're enjoying Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, and the next time you visit, some sort of Winnie The Pooh attraction has taken its place.  For the most part, once a ride closes, it's gone for good.  Horizons, World Of Motion, Kitchen Kabaret, Symbiosis, The Living Seas, Body Wars, Cranium Command, Magic Journeys, CommuniCore, The Plaza Swan Boats...

Remember those?

I'm not done yet: Flight To The Moon, Mission To Mars, Delta Dreamflight, If You Had Wings, America The Beautiful, Magic Carpet 'Round The World, Skyway To Fantasyland, The TimeKeeper, American Journeys, Snow White's Scary Adventures, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, Mickey Mouse Revue, Mike Fink Keelboats, Davy Crockett's Canoe Boats, and some other attractions from the Disney-MGM Studios... These are the attractions that were taken down and completely re-purposed for the intent of making a new attraction, not a refurb like Journey Into Imagination (where the characters remain but the ride has changed).

And it needs to be changed back.

When Disney ins't demolishing rides to put in some iteration of a Pixar character, they'll simply update the ride, usually with a Pixar character.  Or a semi-relevant comedian.  It is the updates that are the most irritating.  Although there is no sadder sight that the demolishing of a ride, like a volcano, it could leave nutrient-rich material in its wake, resulting in a major transformation of the land.  Of course that metaphor does not apply here because any new attraction Disney has made after demolishing a previous one is usually terrible, with a few exceptions, perhaps.

This was clearly superior than If You Had Wings.

The most heartbreaking thing is the refurbishment of a ride.  I'm not talking about going back and retouching up the animatronics or updating the sound system or whatnot, but rather the change of the feel of the ride by adding some frivolous new effect or, in Spaceship Earth's case, removing effects.

I miss the projected loop of the chariot.

I can concede that some updates make sense, to an extent.  The creation of new computer languages and user-friendly interfaces greatly ties in with the theme of the attraction, and is part of our shared history of communication.

With a Jobs-Wozniak hybrid.

And then there is this monstrosity, which provides more of a cheap, kitschy laugh rather than actually having relevance to the ride as a whole.

Silliest shit I've ever seen.

The addition of sections of rides doesn't mesh well, as you are working with two different eras.  The rides being built in 1981-1982 reflect the style and craftsmanship of that era.  Adding on this "computer era" section is jarring, as it looks too clean and sanitized.  Disney has a track record for making rides look, well, well-ridden.  They purposefully do that, as you might recall hearing it from probably every single cast member who drops that little obvious tidbit on you.

"Did you know that WED stands for Disney's initials?"

Some refurbs simply just replace a previous film, or reuse and re-edit the original film to make it more relevant.  Surprisingly Impressions De France and Spirit Of Norway have remained unchanged since its debut in 1982 and 1988, respectively, but you take a film like O Canada! and Wonders Of China, and you have an attraction that means well, but does not feel right.  Mainly because when you're working with CircleVision, it is hard to match the visual look of its predecessor.  Film stocks have improved over times, film techniques have been refined, so when they add in little screens of footage in the ride, it often does not match how it looked in 1982.  How could it?

I don't want to reflect on China, I want to wonder about China!

The newly inserted footage looks like it was shot on a Hi-8 camera.  It's awful, and it is shocking because Disney prides themselves on breaking new boundaries in the art of film.  They essentially dominated the large-format film production at the time with Magic Journeys and CircleVision and shooting pretty much everything in 70mm, but not no more.  And it's not too long until Maelstrom gets a face-lift to accommodate the many characters from Frozen.  We all know it's coming, and unless the Norwegian government says otherwise (I hope they do) Disney will most likely milk that cow until the end of time.  Picture it now, riding in a boat with "Let It Go" on a constant loop as you ride backwards (after Elsa casts a spell or some stupid shit).  Someone has already thought it up already.

For the love God please do not get rid of this amazing mural.

Updating rides to cash in on Disney popular culture is inherently a bad idea.  It looks cheap, and tacky.  We all saw it in action with The Seas with Nemo.  And while we can't have our favorite rides be resurrected (and we all wish it were so), a new concept needs to be implemented.  EPCOT Center began as a showcase of new ideas and technologies, and cultures from around the world.  We have seen it devolve into cheap tie-ins and an excuse to get obliterated on alcohol and junk food.  As we long for a return for the original, it is not totally abhorrent to consider updating the attractions once more.  Since they have all bottomed out and become totally awful, there is no place to go but up (I hope).  So now, I present a logical update to the current rides at EPCOT, and how they could be changed into something new and better, without completely changing the ride design (because we all know they are not gonna knock down another building and start from the ground up, or would they?) but keeping with the theme of EPCOT, as being a permanent world's fair showcasing the new ideas and industries of America.

SPACESHIP EARTH

If they could, find a replacement for Judi Dench.  It's too peppy; she reads like she's reading Mother Goose to a group of infants.  I like my Spaceship Earth narrations with a very serious tone.  Jeremy Irons did this perfectly.  Alan Rickman can match that.  So can Patrick Stewart or Ian McKellan.

It's a stretch, but he can make it work.

Essentially, a deep,  powerful British voice.  And omit the bastardized version of what Horizons already nailed nearly three decades ago, the choose your own future.  I get it, it's fun and interactive, and you get a cheap laugh at the end.  Instead, give us the closing narration, wrapping up the themes of Spaceship Earth and what the future holds.  Maybe throw in an uplifting song.

INNOVENTIONS

This is an area I couldn't care less about.  I guess just have exhibits that are pertinent to current events, maybe a tie-in with other attractions that touch on topics relevant to us, not just video games or things designed for toddlers.

Dump your hyperactive kids here.

ELLEN'S ENERGY ADVENTURE

If there ever was a need to update an attraction, this one is it.  It is the only ride in Future World that has not been changed since the 90s.  Everything else has gone through a refurb fairly recently, at least in the past 15 years.  Now there was this weird anomaly when Ellen came back in the celebrity spotlight in recent years, so it seems that they're gonna hold onto her for a hot minute.  I remember an Ellen-less time between the Ellen Show on ABC in the 90s and the Ellen talk show on whatever network that airs on.  At one time she was irrelevant, and that would have been a good time to change the ride.  Now as much as I love Bill Nye, he seems to have retired his "Science Guy" persona.  And while we all loved his show on PBS, it is time to breath some life into this attraction.  And this is the man to do it:

The ultimate badass.

Neil deGrasse Tyson has already become this sort of unlikely icon, and he's also brilliant as shit.  You can take out the comedic foils of Ellen DeGeneres and others, and put in a thought-provoking journey into the past, explore the present, and embrace the future of energy.  And his personality suits the ride perfectly.  He makes it entertaining through his amazing articulation and vast knowledge of this "Universe Of Energy."

MISSION: SPACE

This is a ride that you can't really change to much to.  You can add in some information about what it's like in space, like weightlessness and such, maybe omit the danger element of the asteroids that seemed to cluster only a few feet from each other around the orbit of Mars.  It could be more of a training mission than an actual mission, and teach you more about space travel, not just hit a button, fall asleep and have the computer do all the piloting for you.

TEST TRACK

Strangely enough, this ride doesn't need a lot of changing.  They included aspects of what companies look for when developing a car, but I guess they could include more information on efficiency and being more "green," I suppose.

JOURNEY INTO IMAGINATION WITH FIGMENT

It's hard to update this, because it really needs a major overhaul.  There is no saving grace to this ride.  No new innovations, nothing to make me want to ride it again.  But since the ride track layout seems to be fairly similar (similar in that it's an omni-mover), just omit Eric Idle, damn the rights issue and bring back Dreamfinder (whatever the rumor is now).  Since Billy Bartry has passed on, Dave Goelz will have to do.  Or just recycle his voice from the old ride, I don't know, just make it happen.  And make the ride about the wonders and limitlessness of ones imagination.

THE LAND

First off: get Soarin' out of there.  It has no business in there.  You're Soarin' over California, yet you're in Florida.  Why not make it Soarin' Over Florida?  Because that's a terrible idea.  This is what needs to happen: put Soarin' between the UK and Canada, where the Millennium Village used to be, and re-theme it for the World Showcase.  Have it be, Soarin' Around The World.  The cost of something like that wouldn't be as expensive as you think.  Just get the permits to fly to select spots around the world with your large format camera, and that's all there is to it.  Maybe reprogram the ride vehicles' hydraulics to correspond with the new film.

Secondly, The Circle Of Life with the Lion King is painfully outdated.  Talk about an attraction that hasn't been updated since the 90s.  The Lion King is not as relevant as we'd like it to be, so there should be a new film discussing man's impact on nature, in the vein of Symbiosis, but can tackle things like climate change and GMOs and other things that they weren't too worried about in 1982 and then in 1994.  There are so many pertinent things going on in this world regarding "The Land," you'd think they'd say more about it.  And don't have an animated character host it.  Have a real person, or at least a narrator.

Thirdly, Living With The Land needs more things.  More concepts.  Bring back the spinning drum or something.  Make us excited about new ways to grow crops, and not just growing them in the shape of a Disney character!

Hidden Mickeys also need to go.

Fourthly, bring back a nutritional musical revue.  NO song parodies.  At the very least I will tolerate song style parodies.

THE SEAS WITH NEMO

This is a no-brainer.  Take out Nemo.  Get us excited about marine biology and oceanography.  There's a lot we don't know about our oceans.  Let's explore that!  Do whatever repairs you need to, like fixing the tank, and put some more marine life in there.  It's depressing to see the fish and sharks.  I remember when they used to have divers play with dolphins.  It was well documented in a series of ABC shows that just happened to find themselves in Disney World.

And for the world showcase films... well, either re-film them in HD (we have the technology) or restore them to their original state.  It's funny, but when you watch Impressions De France or Wonders Of China, they don't look dated.  The people and the settings look the same as they did in 1982, oddly enough.